After the Storm

I couldn't remember my password--and I panicked

I was dyeing to write--like someone was stacking bricks on top of my open heart--stacking...one..at..a...time

I didn't mean to not love you--I didn't mean to hurt you

and I don't know if I don't mean what I didn't mean a line ago.

but if I don't mean it, that means I made a mistake

and if I do mean it that means I caused hurt--real hurt

In all honesty I'm speechless--breathless--thoughtless--passionless

At the exact moment a person realizes something is missing, the air is sucked

Clarity is a commodified, programized idea

we think we should get once the calendar is no longer filled with times and practices and meetings and obligations.

Standards somebody else has set dictate my work--standards I have set seem to simply get in the way.

Something is missing and it's not the cliche

it's not the challenge

it's not the comfort

why do I have to be ready? why do I have to not be ready? why do I have to choose RIGHT now and why did it have to come RIGHT now?

i wonder if i'll ever be ready, if the idea of 'being ready' is a joke--the idea of 'not settling' is a joke--the idea of 'being yourself' is a joke--the idea of 'self exploration' and 'identity formation' is a joke--the idea of a 'soulmate' is a joke.

we are fed images and ideas--told this is how fairy tales begin...and yet never told how they end --does happily ever after include work schedules and job security and patience and time?

everything looks different after the storm--the clouds have parted, the rain stopped--

emotions are soaked by thousands of kisses

hearts are trampled by thousands of unrequited feelings

the gray fog has lifted but the wind has left the contents strewn

--where does everything belong?

there was all this noise, twisting and blowing and meddling

there was no time for reflecting

there was no time for doing what keeps her sane--she ran--she ran--she ran

do I ask him to understand she's part of a movement...a change...so desperate for love yet so desperate for independence? a movement nobody has chartered so nobody has lessons so nobody can teach her how to navigate?

forgive her.

she loves. perhaps she will love you in time.