February of 40

 My top 40 of February...

1. A 50 degree walk on February 1. Sometimes work is so consuming - it makes life seem like it is caving in - things get foggy, my brain and body feel trapped in the business and to-do lists that are non stop. The tired behind my eyes is real as I shift from one "to-do" to the next before finishing the first. A walk creates space, it helps create perspective.

2. When my dad saw that our Christmas tree was still up on February 2 - he couldn't help but resist to send a text of warning "fire hazard" - he even used emojis. This is his love language - Dr. Safety. 

3. Having our Christmas tree up through January - G just liked it - she wanted it on in the morning. The joy, the wonder, and the fact that she wanted that joy and wonder.

4. The day we booked our flights to Seattle. To see orcas. It is unfathomable to go think that I might get the chance to see one in the wild. Even spotting it from the shore. The power, the wonder. 

5. At E's birthday party - her brother stood up to a bully. He came over and told me, with such pride - "I told him, leave my sister alone" "That bully doesn't know what he's up against". He was so proud. The pure of heart - the pure intention - the loyalty. There is an understood rule for siblings. It makes me sad that G does not have someone who will so blindly love her - but she has her cousins. And that matters.

6. Working with a student through a rough patch - she was so upset. She was where we all find ourselves from time to time - just tired and too many things. If there was just ONE thing off her plate, she probably could have breathed through a bad grade and a mistake. But it was just simply too much. She was so hard on herself, held herself to such high expectations. 

7. On the morning of February 5 - as we were turning lights off, I grabbed the bottle of Grandpa Bob's cologne and told G to come take a sniff. I do that for comfort from time to time. I didn't realize that February 5 was his birthday. I just happened to tell G of my little habit. It instantly reminds me of a hug - the feel of his sweater, his arms, the lingering scent on me.

8. One night, Gand I took Beau for a walk after dinner. She wanted to listen to Greatest Showman, "Re-write the Stars" - we played it from my phone and sang out loud as we could as we walked.

9. I had a really tough conversation with a colleague about police presence in schools. She was/is very passionate about being anti-police and empathetic to any student who has only ever felt fear when it comes to police presence. It was important to hear - the perspective - the privilege check - the reasoning. I don't ever want to NOT listen, I don't ever want to dismiss a colleague's feelings. I did not agree with her, but there HAS to be space to hold both of our emotions - while ALSO holding reason and reality.

10. The morning sky - speckled and spread and overpowering from the sunrise - over the skyline out the windows of Lane. I used to get to school every morning from 6AM. The sunrise sunrise over the skyline was one of the every day morning moments that made the day feel right - the moment and me being there right. It is majestic, it is wonder, it is hopeful and promising for a day ahead.

11. Throwing away my luggage - wheels were broken, zippers were broken, handles were broken. So many trips - so much travel - so many memories and moments stuffed into those suitcases. The luggage was a college graduation gift from my parents. The importance of travel imminent. South Carolina, apartment moves, Colorado, California, England, Ireland, Spain, Antigua, Croatia, Italy, Munich, Florida, DC, Boston, Seattle/Portland, Up north, Chautauqua, Alabama, Philadelphia, - travel is an essential part of my being and I need to keep cultivating it as much as I can.

12. My students pointing out that the Capulet/Montague character lines are switched in the modern version of the film - the 96 version with Leo and Claire. I haven't taught Romeo and Juliet in a few years and my students are pointing out things about the text that I never had - it's something about Shakespeare - it's decoding, it's human, it's beautiful language that we aren't used to. It's a challenge.

13. My Uncle was the shop teacher for one of my students back in Detroit 20 years ago. I was able to send a pic of the email the guy sent saying really nice things about my Uncle. He was such a curmudgeon about teaching for so long. But, I do think that deep down all teachers/coaches have a deep need to be helpful and appreciated. 

14. "Yeah, girl. Write it." A whisper. It ebbs and flows; but the whisper is always there. "Write it". I don't know what it is that I am writing, but I hear the whisper and it grows louder these days. I hear it when I wake up, I hear it when I think about my future, I hear it when I walk, ride -- it's there and real.

15. Superbowl half time show: Usher's "Yeah! Yeah!" A vision of 13 girls crammed into a really nice condo in Boca Raton learning the dance in the living room. We had a rental 15 passenger van, we rode around Miami, we had happy hour at Denny's, we made drinks in the kitchen, we played polo outside in crystal clear pools overlooking the ocean- what a privilege. 

16. Superbowl half time show: Usher's "You Got It Bad" A song that immediately puts me back to 16 - driving around my white oldsmobile with my high school boyfriend. It was a real, deep, and genuine love for the young girl I was at the time. I knew that the moment the song came on, he was probably thinking the same thing. We are lifetimes apart now; he with 2-3 kids and a phenomenal wife, me with G and G. We loved each other purely and intensely, and I broke his heart.  

17. G skiing - we went out together. I skied, she skied. On Heather - first run, night skiing, snow falling. She zoomed off to keep up with her cousin and quickly realized she needed to go her own pace. We slowed down and as she followed me with her piece of pie, she cried "This is actually so fun!"

18. Family karaoke night in the basement at the Heather Highlands. She was confident and persistent. 

19. Listening to our newest baby cousin say "Gigi". Cousins are our first friends. Cousins are the family we grow old with; and though we may be cities apart, they are the ones who have known us the longest and who understand our families' traumas, and mostly the love.

20. A long hug in the morning. Whether it's G2, G, or my mom. A long hug. 

21. G telling our adult friend how he made her feel - it was powerful and important. I can't imagine EVER doing that to an adult - the strength and confidence she had. She knew what he said to her was wrong and that she needed to say something in order to make things right. I am in awe of her inherent feeling of self respect; she knew deep inside she didn't have to just sit with the bad feelings, but rather needed some restoration.

22. The sun on my face on a morning walk with Beau - hope for spring.

23. The heart ache, the physical hurt, when I think about my cousins: the one who is no longer with us, and the ones who were there, who shared his last laugh, his last thrill.

24. G's reaction to the news of my cousin's passing; she laughed - an innocent response to discomfort. She is so uncertain and so uncomfortable with the news. How does she contextualize this? Where does she put it in her brain and heart?

25. Her first question after giggling a little at my tears - "who will throw me in the water when daddy doesn't want to?"

26. The perspectives of Shakespeare my students are bringing to the conversation - knights as deeply religious in medieval times, Tybalt actually comes back in the stage direction.

27. Waking up after a full night's sleep - sleeping all the way through - it's a rare occurrence and feels amazing - almost like it's what we are supposed to do as humans every night.

28. Zoom call with cousins.

29. The feeling of adventure on the horizon - planning to travel again. Knowing I have work to do, but choosing to research our upcoming adventure.

30. Holding my sisters' hands. 

31. A last minute Blackhawks game with free parking - a gift from a friend. Watching the game with G and being in awe of the skill and grace of the players.

32. An after dinner walk with my cousin coupled with a deeply needed conversation about love, empowerment, self-care, independence, and security.

33. Watching my students simply have fun - dance, sing, be loud, sweat, laugh - at their middle school dance.

34. The cookie booth on Jewel at Pulaski. The dichotomy - the father with his daughter who was the same age across from us. The newly arrived migrants to Chicago - their plight. It's all so difficult and sad.

35. The cough. The never ending cough in life. The self-care that couldn't happen. The embarrassment of what comes with the nightly cough because of the way my body works.

36. This is all I have for February. Not that there weren't more moments of awe or of great pause - it is just all I recorded. Many moments were of reflection and sorry this month.