March of 40
1. Listening to Gloria sing Taylor Swift on the way to Detroit for my cousin's memorial service. She belts, she tries, she has emotion. She points out when Taylor says "damn" and we have a conversation about emotions and when cuss words are used to create meaning instead of degrade and convey ignorance.
2. An unusually warm day in March - we were on the beach with Beau in Michigan. Gloria was free as a bird. She walked into a little inlet stream coming from Lake Michigan saying "I'm an adventurer; I'm going on an adventure". I hope she's always going on an adventure.
3. Watching Beau climb the sand dunes with Gloria. He chased after her like the best friend she is. He was free of a leash, she was free of responsibility, expectation, task, self consciousness.
4. Eating a chocolate chip cookie in the middle of the night. A real, gooey, big chocolate chunk cookie. Nobody was around and the house was quiet.
5. When we sang "May the Lord Bless and Keep You Forever" at my cousin's funeral. My mom used to sing it it to me - I called it "Mighty". I was next to her in the pew and we held hands. It is to the tune of Edelweiss. I know there is a mighty power out there - and there is a mighty reason Jordan is no longer with us.
6. The weekend of the funeral - family, laughter, no sleep, such deep sorrow. But shared deep sorrow. It helped to be all together. The sorrow had somewhere to go - it was held by everyone's hearts collectively.
7. Realizing I can do 15 seconds of an upright jog on my spin bike during a workout. And then at the end of the month realizing it made me imbalanced, and thus unstable in my back. And thus, I made the decision, it's not worth it. But I tried.
8. Trivia night with neighbors for our neighborhood elementary school.
9. One morning Gloria asked me "why do I have to be so big?" My heart sunk to the pit of my soul. She's starting to understand other's perceptions of her - how can I shield her from that for a little bit longer?
10. A "sing along" workout ride while I'm alone in the house. Glorious.
11. Sitting in the sun on the couch - alone - writing - 5 minutes, but it is a glorious 5 minutes.
12. Watching House Hunters together as a family.
13. Having a "morning stretch/moan party together" to start the day.
14. When Gloria handed me the basketball in the alley and said, "Here. Mom, show him how good you are".
15. Sunshine in the middle of March - warm sunshine on my face and arms.
16. Yes, girl - write it. Yes, girl - you have something to say and teach others.
17. Writing in the morning - alone - coffee - after a good workout.
18. On the way to school Gloria said, "the spirit of someone who has died is a great feeling". How she has compromised and thinks about the death of Jordan I'll never know. She doesn't call it the "feeling of the spirit of someone dead" or the "knowledge of someone's spirit". She simply makes a declarative statement - "the spirit of Jordan is a great feeling".
19. "Mom! Do you know the song 'YMCA'?!?!"
20. Tickling Gloria and listening to her laugh.
21. Watching women's NCAA basketball with Gloria. It was just good basketball - period.
22. Snuggling with Gloria in the morning over spring break.
23. Gloria asking me "how do you know you want to marry someone?" I don't know the answer - but I told her they'll make you laugh, they'll make you feel seen, and you don't have to get married to have either of those things.
24. Asking my mother in law about her ex-husband's family. I am trying to grasp the generational trauma. I still want reasons why. I want to know more so that it doesn't keep getting hushed. I still have no answers.
25. Working through the anxiety of having "fun" and relaxing appointments - my hair appointment. It's supposed to be fun right? It's supposed to be relaxing right? It just takes so damn long!
26. Walking in the sun while doing therapy.
27. Freshly washed, styled, and straight hair. It is light, it is free, I can take my hand through it.
28. Gloria learning to ride her bike - we are all riding together!
29. Breathing and hugging Gloria when she was having a meltdown - she was in her closet. I crawled in - put my heart to her heart. I let her sob, we breathed. I hoped she would feel my heart beating - my deep breaths.
30. Gloria passing peace at church - confidently and with no expectation. Faith like a child.
31. Then when she said "Mom, a baby gave me peace". Faith like a child.
32. Reading Cam Jansen books with Gloria. I remember loving Cam Jansen as a kid and longing for a photographic memory.
33. Painting the cupboard with Gloria - I let go - I let her help. Spills or imperfections didn't matter. What did is that she was helping.
34. Waking up on a weekend and realizing it was 9AM. Nobody else was awake yet.
35. Waking up at 4AM and being done with workout, coffee made, journaling done, shower had -- all before Gloria woke up.
36. I fixed our pipe issue in the basement. And a woman at the hardware store was the one who helped me out. She knew exactly what we needed.
37. Trying to figure out how to help and address Gloria when she threw dirt at our neighbors. It reminded me of when I threw the apple. Simultaneously I was the parent and the child. The embarrassment as a parent AND the embarrassment of the child who knows she did something wrong.
38. Gloria learned to ride a bike. It's not easy - she fell. She threw the bike to the ground and yelled "this fucking bike". She then stared at the bike, took a breath, picked it up and said "I'm sorry for swearing".
39. Our baby cousin calling Gloria - "gigi"
40. The constant reminders - the mantra - one day at a time, one day at a time. One moment at a time. One moment at a time. What I'm realizing is that this mantra, or mindset, is equally important in times of chaos AND in times of calm.
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