Why should I tell you that I wish to be different, to be the "cool" girlfriend? Why do I think I'm really weird..and crazy sometimes. Aren't we all crazy anyway? And why do I think such a massive amount about these things and you seemingly brush everything off? Why should I continue to try and try and try and try..when you refuse to even be thoughtful.
I am at this moment, where I could stay with a man I am deeply in love with, but who does not fulfill and challenge my soul. He used to. He does every once and a while. I wonder if it is too much to ask for a man to try each day to reach out to me, even if it is just taking one moment before bed to tell me how he feels, really feels. How is one supposed to know when enough is enough, or when it is worth fighting for. My heart honestly doesn't know at this moment if it is worth fighting for. Every time I try and explain myself, I always end up sounding like I'm "bitching out" or like I'm a over-analyzing freak. And so what if I am? Maybe he should try listening for once. And maybe he should try to do something about it. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and keep on pushing and prodding and digging?
I am so conflicted, so frustrated. I could NEVER explain this to him, because I sound like a broken record. And I don't want to sound like I'm constantly nagging, or that this is completely his fault, and it is ALL about me. Well, in this blog, and in my life it is ALL about me, because I am the leading actress in my own life, so I can say as many "I" statements and "I" want. But in the real world, not in my own head, I don't want to continually spit out the same words over and over again, only to not be heard. I just wish there was some gesture of meeting me in a peace zone. I am not a big drinker and partier, so why should I have to suffer because he is and I absolutely DESPISE it. I honestly don't think I would have such a big quaff about his drinking if it was not in such excess. And if there was a simple glint of respect for me when he is drinking. There is nothing absolutely nothing. He doesn't see me when he is drinking, it is ALL about him when he is drinking, and unfortunately that is the only way he knows how to "have a good time".
I would much rather stay out late walking on the beach, or spend my money on a hiking trail, or do something significantly less damaging to your health and to your personality. Alcohol is the worst thing in the world, and it ruins good things. It drowns the good out of people. Because people don't know how to control it. People don't know how to not let it take over.
I'm worried because I don't want him to think I'm crazy. I don't want him to get annoyed with me. But I'm worried that I don't want him to be annoyed with me because I was simply being myself, and concerned with something that truly eminates from the bottom of my heart. How messed up is this? Maybe we aren't right for each other. I keep telling myself things will change, what happens when we get married and have a child, and he thinks it is okay to drink this much and stay out until 5am. What happens then? I don't want divorce. It is not even an option, so I would be stuck for my entire life battling this wretched plague that is attacking our relationship.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel bad about myself any longer.
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