April of 40

April of 40

 1. Iowa vs. LSU final four women's NCAA game. We talked about Angel Reese and how she fouled out - things didn't go her way. She still cheered on her team. She didn't cry. She worked hard in the game no matter what the score was or how many fouls she had. Caitlin Clark kept shooting and hustling no matter what the score was.

2. The power of my journal and working through incredibly hard feelings with it. Morning journaling means a place to put my feelings when I don't know how to handle them in my body.

3. Really considering my worth as a human being - as a woman - as a mom - as an educator.  There was a moment of taking ownership - of being grounded in knowing my contributions to something greater.

4. When a man is talking in a meeting - and all the women in the room lock eyes ...

5. Gloria telling me the next time she draws a sports player, she'll draw it with number 22.

6. Gloria teaching me about "butt winks"

7. My back - the pain. I can't work out. It's a struggle - one that no matter how many injuries, surgeries, rest times I need - it never gets easier. 

8. The morning question: Where do you feel most at home? My home. What a lucky answer. 

9. Watching the solar eclipse with my students. Talking to Gloria about it and hearing her take on what it was like, how exciting it was, or rather, how unexciting it was. Learning about what long ago human beings used to think when something like that happened. Hardly ever happens, you know.

10. Sitting with my anger. Letting it just be - in my body, mind, heart. And grounding in the fact that I am worth patience. I remember my worth at that moment. I am not responsible for his emotions and I recognize the manipulation for what it is. I held my boundary - my meager boundary of 2 more minutes for  my morning journal. 

11. Laughing out loud about how the best years of my athletic career were dominating in the Ulmer Olympics with John-Michael.

12. REVERTING - going back - to "one day at a time" "one moment at a time". It gets away from me - life gets away from me. The balance of both looking forward AND being present is elusive, but necessary. 

13. Being with girlfriends in Hastings, Michigan on a warm April day. No responsibilities, no expectations, just us.

14. Laughter - deep belly, pee your pants kind of laughter with girlfriends.

15. Sun on the porch in April. We were away from the city, away from family and work demands, at least for a short time. And that short time was glorious.

16. Small trinkets as decoration around the house.

17. My mom got in bed with me at the cottage to wake me up. I want to hug her and keep her. 

18. Being with Gloria in her classroom. All the children who hugged me and how excited she was - how proud she was to see me. 

19. Small moments of grace - a green light, no traffic for a left turn, quiet alone time in my room during Advisory after a hectic morning.

20. The apology note from a student claiming he "pulled a 'Romeo' and didn't think before acting". It is the small glimpses of truly formative moments in a student's life that make me smile the most. 

21. Being so proud of my work - my curriculum - my teaching. It's good stuff I am doing! I am proud of what I organically created 14 years ago as a second year teacher. The work is long, never ending, and without a 'grade' or a diploma at the end. Thus, success is hard to measure without the usual deadline or grade or rating attached. Perhaps that is what makes it so successful is that it had the time to grow, to breath, to flop, to fall flat; and I had the time to change and challenge myself and my biases as I molded the curriculum.

22. A clear head in the morning - rare these days.

23. A hug from my mom. 

24. Laughter with my sisters.

25. Watching my mom at the spa - taking all of her in. Watching her watch us. Waking up next to her. She still makes me feel safe, makes me feel held, makes me feel seen. She still is my biggest advocate.

26. Arriving home after work to a clean house. A luxury! 

27. Fighting for the money I earned to be spent on what I want it to be spent on and not our credit card bills.

28. Offering coaching advice to a colleague. It seems like lifetimes ago that I coached. It was. But it's always in me. 

29. Yes, girl! Write that!

30. A moment of confidence in myself - answering interview questions. I know I can do the job - do I want the job? 

31. When Gloria woke up in our bed - we don't remember her coming into our bed at night - and she simply scooted over and snuggled me.

32. A long, uninterrupted sleep. Hardly ever happens you know.

33. A productive time in the bathroom. 

34. Feeling confidence in my body. The kind of unshakeable and accepting confidence that both takes years to master and is fickle and fleeting.

35. A moment of panic, jolting me awake to life - when I almost hit a car with children in it. A slap in the face to be present, to look around, focus on one thing at a time. 

36. Gloria and I singing out loud with the windows down on a warm day.

37. Having the honor and privilege of seeing the same Holocaust survivor speaker this year as we did about 10 years ago. Humbling how time works its strings on the human body - but can't take away spirit or someone's story.

38. Our amazing docent at the Holocaust museum - she was kind, attentive, informative, and gave the students the time they needed to experience.

39. Having my mom help Gloria pack for girl scout camping - while I packed for my trip to D.C. My mother is phenomenal. She swooped in and took over when Gloria needed me ,but I needed me for myself. 

40.Gloria knowing Grandma will take her shopping.