May of 40

May of 40

 1. Walking through the African American Museum of History and Culture with my students. I always linger by our most empathetic, most deeply feeling, students in spaces meant to be uncomfortable. I saw a student staring at a pair of shackles and chains and he whispered, "they are so small". I stood next to him in silence as we both processed the meaning of such small shackles. I stood next to him in silence as the feeling sank deep from our intellect to our hearts.

2. Walking with another, a self proclaimed and proud "anti-social" humana being, at the United State Holocaust Memorial Museum, we came upon an old sign indicating which color star meant what label for persecution and oppression. One of the stars was labeled "Anti-Social". 

3. Laughter in the car with Gloria. Our commute to and from school is not easy and always plagued by traffic and time anxiety - but every once in a while we just find something funny and laugh - real laughter. Even me, the adult - real laughter.

4. A small moment of pure and unfettered belief in myself, my leadership, and my abilities while in DC with 124 8th graders.

5. Buying things for myself. Retail therapy. 

6. Girl Scout camping with Gloria's troop was not in my wheelhouse. Yet, watching her interact with her friends in a non-school environment was eye opening and priceless.

7. The panic I felt while camping. There was a massively ugly and large spider with white spots on its big body, and I panicked. I don't know the other mothers well, it was hot, there were no showers, the sleeping situation was hilarious at best, and I was panic texting my sisters.

8. There was a massive rainstorm one morning while I was sitting at my desk, alone in the LTAC office. I hardly find myself alone at all during the day. I was contemplating taking this new job. And the way the storm rolled in swiftly, with grace, and yet powerfully demanded its attention made me think about the new moment I feel empowered to lean into.

9. Gloria said to me, "Mom, I know a book you would really like -- The Giving Tree". She is not wrong. 

10. The idea of softening as a form of resistance.  The idea that perhaps resistance can mean love, empathy, and curiosity rather than putting up a fist or a boundary. 

11. When our babysitter was late and we had dinner reservations for a long overdue date night, Gloria was welcomed with love and joy at our neighbors dinner table. She felt comfortable, excited, and accepted in their home while she waited for our babysitter.

12. Sitting in bed with coffee on Mother's Day. Any time sitting in bed, but specifically the coffee cup your child makes for you.

13. The intense struggle and effort in a hard workout.

14. A grounded and solid feeling of confidence in myself - my whole self - mind, body, soul.

15. When Gloria was helping with something at school, one of the students said to her, "You have the coolest mom".

16. Two children in the back seat waving their "thank you" hand when I let their mother turn into traffic.

17.  A young child learning to roller skate at 7:30AM on a Tuesday morning. Why not?

18. Any time I reach back to hold Gloria's hand in the car. I am both a mother and a leader. I am both always here to hold her hand, and let go even before she believes she's ready. 

19. The calm of a quiet Friday night family movie night. No expectations other than snuggles and popcorn.

20. As I prepped Gloria to see Wicked, we listened to the music quite a bit. We blasted it in the kitchen and each grabbed pretend brooms. She told me I sounded just like Elphaba. Not true, but I'm holding on to the small ways she thinks I'm perfect. I'm not and she will learn that soon enough.

21. A Cubs game on a beautifully warm night with friends we haven't seen for quite some time. We laughed and pretended like we were young and childless for a few hours.

22. Finishing a keto challenge. I was the exact same weight at the end as I was at the beginning. I am proud for finishing it and find it curious that even with the strict macro counting and meal prep, my body remained the same.

23. On our way to see Wicked with my mom and cousin, I asked Gloria, "what does it mean to defy gravity?" She said it means, "to like float". Of course - literally it means to not be weighed down by gravitational forces. But I also tried to explain to her that it also means to break rules that don't make sense, to push yourself towards a goal even though it scares you, and to break boundaries when they no longer serve you. She took one beat, but then asked how Elphaba gets her broom to fly.

24. I held my mom's hand during "For Good" - we wept. I am not sure what she was weeping for - I can only imagine. I wept for my friends who have changed my life, my colleagues that I had not told I was leaving yet, but for whom I have nothing but straight gratitude - I wept for my students who have made me a better person and the world a better place. 

25. Gloria wept over the caged baby lion cub in the show. She was viscerally upset by how unfair it was that they put him in a cage and were being unkind.

26. Waiting out a rain storm on the side of the road with my mom and Gloria. 

27. Gloria swimming with Beau in Wall Lake at dusk. Cold water, cold air - but a child and her dog are only focused on the joy.

28. Gloria came into our bed in the middle of the night. When I came back into the room after working out, Gloria and Grant were in the tightest snuggle. He held her, she held onto him. 

29. Being with my Aunt Barb. All of her. She is practical, loving, accepting, and I always feel lighter, yet more grounded, after spending time with her. 

30. Gloria's performance at the end of her Broadway Basics class. She is confident, polished, and excited to do what she is doing.

31. Bonding with the other girl scout moms over how much we didn't want to camp - how out of our comfort zone that was. I thought I was the only one.

32. Me on the bike in the garage at the cottage. Gloria playing some four-square type game with my mom, dad, and Grant while I worked out. She is bossy, assertive, and doesn't let my dad change all the rules.

33. Gloria driving the boat with Pop-Pop. 

34. My cousins. All of my cousins. On this particular occasion, my younger cousins who I have been able to discuss life with - what I would have done differently, why it is imperative to focus on themselves at this moment in their lives - and they listened and are thriving.

35. Getting a text from an Aunt and Uncle in grief - who have Gloria's artwork on their fridge. We have been sending small notes every once in a while through snail mail - for lack of knowing how better to let them know we are thinking of them.

36. The conversation in the LTAC office about orca whales. The idea of cultural practices amongst pods, and how matriarchal the pods are fascinate me. 

37. Being on the same page with my husband - sometimes it's the small things.

38. Watching Gloria confidently walk up to bat, get in her stance, and swing with might.

39. Gloria was heckling Grant from third base as he was trying to give her coaching pointers. 

40. Successfully completing the DC trip with three buses, three different flights, three different airports, three different tour guides, and so many teachers.